The Kid has been learning that he is part of a Village as both recipient and giver of help and support. One of the benefits of homeschooling is that we can take advantage of our community’s programs that occur during the school day. Meals on Wheels has been such a beautiful tool to connect us to generations of veterans, experienced and wise people. Today’s volunteer appreciation luncheon also gave The Kid a chance to practice impromptu speaking. He did an amazing job!
I’m pretty honest with you all. I want to share a side of motherhood and marriage that I don’t think is often seen or shared. A certain amount of Selfishness is an asset. Motherhood can be a sinkhole that swallows you whole. How many Moms do you know who have a baby then disappear into the role? I’ve almost done it. Shit. Actually, I did it then rescued myself (thank you Jeffrey for being worth the rescue mission) . It took a babyless vacation to remind me of what I was slipping away from- myself. He was almost 3. We dropped that little dude off with someone who I trusted with his life, hopped a flight and blissed out in Jamaica. Ok wait. I cried the first evening, maybe out of guilt or possibly fear of not knowing how to enjoy MYSELF. And then it hit me, being selfish pulls you out of the sinkhole and makes you a better wife, Mom and, most importantly, friend to yourself and “meeter” of your needs. And since then, my life in motherhood, marriage and being me has been beautiful and balanced. This idea that the best Moms sacrifice all of themselves is a lie. Those are the most stressed, unhappy and regretful Moms. (That was almost me) Yes, there is sacrifice but no different than that required to be successful in your marriage or career since all of the above cause lead to a loss of self. Balance can be the elusive thing in most homes. I felt that ping of “what if we never had kids” only during times of imbalance (too much energy going out, none coming in to replenish). I thought that imbalance was required because I was raised by a Mother who often had no choice but to sacrifice all despite what she needed. Now I know that the best thing I can do is be the most present, patient and loving Mom I can be. Then, hit the illest three wheel motion (see below) with my Boo in the driver seat or by myself, with the back of these beautiful babies’ heads in our/my rear view mirror. Lata suckas (I breastfeed). Then go get it in like there’s no tomorrow. For me, it was Motherhood that taught me to prioritize fun and freedom and most of all myself. I agree it’s not for everyone and to thine own self be true. Motherhood was always a goal, it just has to be accomplished at the time I felt was right. And I did it in my own time. It’s always scary to make a human and you’re never fully prepared since they’re a huge variable. I just had to learn how to do it with balance and roll with the punches. I got it now and it’s the sweetest life I can imagine. I can bob and weave with the best of ‘em. I’m up right now getting that balance-candlelit shower with a 90’s RnB sing-a-long. Yep, it (life/parenthood/marriage) has real difficulties but what doesn’t? Hell, putting together an Ikea shelf can make you drink.
The two princes of our hearts: The Kid and The Itty Bitty.
So nice, we did it twice.
I checked the Chinese Calendars, I ate a diet to make my body more acidic, I did other ridiculous things… and was defeated by genetics and the desires of The Kid for a Baby Brother. When that balloon popped and blue confetti flew out, it slapped me in the face and choked me-literally. I mean ALL THE CONFETTI descended heavily upon my head and, with my eyes closed, I inhaled in an effort to gain the courage to open my eyes. The inhale welcomed blue feathers and confetti into my throat. I coughed for two days. I found blue stuff inside my dress and bra hours after the private gender reveal for The Hubs and me. (Notice how my mouth is closed in the second set of pictures? This was two weeks later at the public gender reveal party.)
( I did a little Roc kick when the cameras were off…you know what I’m talking about! THIS ROC…the fist pump and kick)
It was as if my son to be said, “HA! TAKE THIS MILK!!! I’M ALLLLLL OVER THIS BI$%&!”
I hear you Baby J! We are so excited to have Baby J join the mess that is this loving family. He is the song that the Fat Lady Sings. He is the heavy curtain that drops loudly after the Vaudeville encore. He is the One I already love more than words- and we haven’t technically met.
The reality of it is, there are many reasons I wantED (notice the past tense, Baby J?!) a girl. Yes, I wanted to buy pink and green things. Yes, I wanted to braid hair and style sweet little curls into the perfect ‘do. YES! I wanted to shop for life’s big moments: graduations, proms, a WEDDING! I wanted my amazing husband to let his daughter wrap her tiny fingers around his. I wanted him to hold her hand through all of life’s ups and downs-loving her unconditionally and in the only way that The Hubs does – beautifully and selflessly.
So yes! I wantED a girl! None of which was rooted in not liking little boys. I LOVE my son and the new sweetie too! I already fiercely protect both of them daily. And that’s just it.
In a time where lynchings still happen, racial kidnappings still happen, segregation still happens (legally), and mass incarceration is back on the Legislation table, poorly disguised as a war on crime- having another little Black man to fret over was just overwhelming. I KNOW that daughters bring their own worries too (Sandra Bland, Tanisha Anderson, Yvette Smith-just to name a VERY few). Yet our boys become seen as men as early as age 9. Our Men are seen as threats more readily than neutral.
Studies of deliberately neutral faces (faces showing no emotional facial expressions) find that observers report Black people’s faces to appear angry. One study showed a White face, Black face or other image and at the same time shocked people with a low voltage but uncomfortable electrical shock. This pairing produced a “fear response” whenever the Black face or shock-associated image was shown. The study then showed that Black face or other shock-associated image multiple times WITHOUT the shock in an attempt to get rid of the mental fear that a shock was coming. They found that it was difficult and in some cases impossible to disconnect the physical response of fear of an impending shock from the Black face but not the White face. The study said that perhaps the Black face had an element of natural fear producing similar to the sight of a snake or other natural threat. This natural fear made it harder to disconnect the fear from the face, even after the person was given plenty of time to “know” that no shock was coming. This study was done in the last 20 years and the findings were replicated many times. Furthermore, a 2015 study from NYU found that stress compromised the ability of a person to treat strangers as individuals and instead increased the person’s sensitivity to irrelevant social feedback. So whereas the color of one’s skin might be irrelevant to some, in a stressful situation, all of a sudden race becomes a factor. Given the well-established value of “Blackness”, it’s more than likely to trigger the “natural fear”.
WHEW! You see what happened there? That’s where my mind goes after a lifetime of being Black in America coupled with 6 years of Neuroscience research and reading in graduate school. This is the domino effect I have when I think about how the heavily-armed world sees my sons and male family members. WHO would sign up for double the fear? Apparently me.
So, as I continue to homeschool and enjoy The Kid and wait impatiently on Baby J, I ask that you consider the paragraph above and do you own research. I ask that you think of the joy I felt and how it was tinged with fear that I now have two amazing, beautiful, brilliant little boys who will someday become men. I ask you to celebrate the fullness of my joy with me. And, I ask you to be empathetic of my fears that my little boys might one day be perceived as angry or as a threat and trigger some person in Blue Uniform or person who is licensed to carry. I ask you to consider the singular experience of Black parents who raise their children in America. We do it in constant hope that our children will be given a chance to live freely, make mistakes without street justice, and grow into the beautiful men and women we they are born to be.
So, when people ask me if I wanted a girl, these are all the thoughts that are behind my “yes”. It ain’t pretty. It’s a mess and then some. But it’s the truth and the facts lie scattered all around all of us-no matter your race or economic status. Walk with me as I go back into having a new human to adore. I’ll be reviewing baby things, asking questions, and sharing how we’re preparing The Kid to be a Big Brother.
Follow me on instagram mamajenhen @milkbrainblog!
We used a light table to explore dimensions today. Specifically, we explored the cylinder. We traced the side, top and bottom to discover the 2D shapes that make up this 3D shape. We discussed what dimensions are, looked at examples of 1,2 and 3D shapes then deconstructed and re-constructed a cylinder! After this, we visually deconstructed a pyramid and cuboid. Finally his curiosity led us to a discussion of how to turn our bodies into a 2D object!
My business The Groom Room has expanded to offering photography and video services along with the regular imaging that we offer as a company. Since offering these services we have been receiving business from lots of local brands wanting to enhance their social presence as well as capture the essence of their projects and services. We also gather content for our company blog sowellgroomed.com. Since I homeschool I decided to turn my business into a family business and allow everyone to be involved. This decision sparked a talent within my sons for photography and video. As a twelve year old in todays society my oldest son Makhi is already tech savvy, he knows out to figure out new gadgets and technology quickly. This natural ability makes him an asset to our team. He also gets to observe the hard work that goes into imaging or making a music video or marketing campaign come together. We also give him access to our equipment so that he can create his own images and he owns a cannon professional grade digital camera that he can practice with. He has already had one of his photo’s published on an artist CD cover. Our youngest son, also helps out by carrying equipment and greeting our guest to make them feel comfortable if we are shooting in our home. They enjoy being apart of the company, traveling to different areas and cities with us, and learning the business. They are great team mates and we reward them with gifts or a pay check, but the biggest reward is being able to work together!